Without Question
by nofearonlylove
Summary: "Who I was is still a huge part of me, Nicky. I try to keep it locked away yes...but...the truth is..." Nicky finished the sentence for her. "If push came to shove, you would make the same choices again." Red nods. "For my boys. For you. Without question." - Red/Nicky ONESHOT. Please R&R!


**Please see bottom of page for AN after you have read this lovely oneshot of mine. - E**

Nicky had always known that Red's past was something that just wasn't spoken of. And that was okay with her. Nicky didn't care about Red's past. All she saw was the incredibly stubborn and loving woman who took her under her wing and made her feel worthwhile for the first time in her life. It had always been enough. She knew if Red wanted her to know about her past, about her crimes or about what she had done to get herself thrown into this hellhole for as long as she was, she would let her know.

Of course, Nicky, and pretty much the entire prison, found out about Red's wrongdoings, not from her own mouth, but from Piscatella. That man had it out for Red since day one, and it always pissed him off when nothing he said or did to her seemed to phase her.

Nicky wouldn't ever forget the look on Red's face as he literally aired out all of Red's tumultuous, sometimes violent past for all to see this morning.

Red had been rendered speechless because, what could be said about what she had done? Of course, Piscatella, though expecting a fight from her, was even more pleased to see that what he had done had actually gotten to Red when all she did was walk out of the room without a word.

Nicky wanted to run after Red right away, but Norma effectively stopped her by grabbing her arm and giving her the puppy eyes, which for some reason, seemed to work on literally everyone Norma ever came in contact with.

Nicky settled giving Piscatella her best glare, which he returned with a smirk of his own before he too, made his leave.

Immediately the whispering started, and inevitably the rumors would start, too. Now they all knew what Red had done, and many of them would look at Red differently now. Some would call her a hypocrite, others would be down right terrified of her.

But for Nicky, nothing had changed. Red was still Red and Nicky's love for her couldn't be altered because of some of the things Red had done before she came to Litchfield.

She needed Red to know that. Of course, Norma was right in stopping her, because she also knew that Red was someone who would have wanted some time to herself, away from the whispers, just to come to terms with the fact that all she had been able keep from her prison family was now laid out for all to know. Nicky knew that Red never wanted her to find out.

But it didn't matter. Maybe it should've mattered but, Nicky wouldn't ever give up on her.

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Leaving her past so far behind her had been Red's saving grace. At Litchfield she was dominating and sarcastic and insufferable and at times, manipulative and selfish. She didn't like to recall all of the things she had done prior to getting stuck in here for so long. She liked to believe at times that woman was far behind her now. Of course...even Red knew that it wasn't entirely true. She had done what she did to protect the people she loved, and she would do it again.

But what Piscatella had done today, had all but shattered her spirit. She had immediately looked at her family, to see their reaction, and when she saw the shock and what she perceived as disgust, on some of their faces, she knew that nothing would ever be the same again.

Red sat alone now, and had for quite some time, on a milk crate next to the greenhouse, staring at what used to be her place of solitude. Even now, as she tried to escape the turmoil currently going on inside of her, her surroundings brought her peace.

The last time she had lost her family, she didn't know what to do. Apologizing was hard for her and always had been. Probably because she had apologized for so much all of her life. She did what her parents told her to do, she did what her husband told her to do. And then one day, she had had enough. She stopped apologizing for not being what everyone wanted her to be. And she made mistakes, mistakes that hurt people and protected others. Her ability to be unable to apologize was rooted in something so much deeper than what anyone could understand.

Did she have anything to apologize for now? Yes, she had kept her past from them, but no one had ever asked her, either. Of course, it had been none of their business so no, Red didn't believe she had anything to apologize for. But for her family to look at her differently now, to lose them because of someone she used to be, because of her choices, was almost too much for her to bear.

She sighed deeply and closed her eyes, tilting her head back so the sun beat down on her face. She heard the wind and some birds in the distance, and tried to shake away the turmoil that she felt any time she was forced to remember the woman she was before she met Nicky Nichols.

 _Nicky._ Could it be that despite all they had been through together, despite the love they felt for each other, that things were to change between them? Red wasn't sure if her heart would ever be able to recover if Nicky decided to cut her off from her life, but at the same time, she almost wanted her to. Despite the self-sacrificing act that Red had done to get herself here, it was still a poor, violent decision after all. Nicky only knew the woman that took care of her. She didn't know the depth of the darkness that still rested within her, and Red had hoped she would never know about any of it.

But now she did, and Red was going to have to brace herself for the outcome, no matter how heartbreaking it may be for her.

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Nicky allowed the whispering among the family to continue, although some of it pissed her off. Red was the same person! Jesus, did they think that what Red had done was as simple as hiding a few body parts for her mafia friends? Nicky wasn't stupid. She had always known that Red's crime had been serious, but so what? A lot of the girls at Litchfield had done their fair share of violent crime. It didn't matter. They were a family and nothing would change that.

After awhile though, Nicky started to worry. She decided that enough was enough, and that she would find Red and that they would talk it through, as they had always done.

She headed straight for the gardens. Red always went there when she needed to be alone. When she approached, she saw that mess of red hair and smiled. Red always made her feel calm.

 _No, nothing had changed._

As she got closer, she decided that words weren't necessary at the moment. She grabbed a milk crate and placed it beside Red's, taking a seat beside her. Red didn't acknowledge her presence, but Nicky knew that Red was aware of it. They sat in silence for a few minutes, until Nicky couldn't take it anymore.

She looked over at her and then gently rested her head on Red's arm, wrapping both of her hands around her arm. She hoped the action would make Red understand, because she was sure that words were the last thing Red needed from her right now.

The silence lasted for maybe a minute longer after that, until Red took a deep breath and spoke. "I don't know how you can even stand to be near me after today."

Nicky lifted her head up, and looked at her in alarm. "Why?"

Red took a deep breath. "Because now you know. Now you know everything I never, ever wanted anyone, especially you, to know about me."

Nicky shook her head. "Ma...it...it doesn't matter, okay? We all made mistakes. We..."

"No! What I have done is incomprehensible, Nicky and you know it! How can you sit here and tell me that what I have done doesn't matter?"

Nicky pulled back and shook her head. "Because it doesn't! Jesus, Ma...it doesn't, okay? You think that I would just give up on you? After everything? I don't care what you did!"

Red suddenly stood up and began pacing, words angrily spilling out of her. "Well you should, Nicky! I am not a role model and I never have been! Do you understand what I have done? If I am capable of that, if I am capable of such violence, then the last thing you should want is to be here with me right now!"

Nicky stood up and stopped Red's pacing by blocking her path. "You would never hurt me! I know that! You couldn't hurt any of us! Holy shit, I know that you did what you did to protect your boys. I know that! People are whispering around here and maybe rumors will start, but I am not going anywhere, Red. I'm not! You can try to push me away all you want, but I won't give up. Not after everything. Not after all those times you should have given up on me but just kept me closer."

Red sighed in frustration and sank back down onto the milk crate. "You are stubborn, _malyshka_. Too stubborn."

Nicky rolled her eyes and sat down beside her. "Whatever. I won't let you sit here and believe that who you are now suddenly doesn't matter because of who you once were."

Red cleared her throat and looked into Nicky's eyes. "Who I was is still a huge part of me, Nicky. I try to keep it locked away yes...but...the truth is..."

Nicky finished the sentence for her. "If push came to shove, you would make the same choices again."

Red nods. "For my boys. For you. Without question."

Nicky's eyes fill with tears and she reaches up to cup Red's face with her hand, forcing her to look at her. "You sit here and you tell me that you would sacrifice yourself for me, and yet you ask me why I can still sit here beside you?"

Red shakes her head but takes Nicky's hand from her cheek, kissing her palm before letting it go. "It isn't a good thing though, Nicky. For the love I feel for you to be at times synonymous with the darkness I feel inside. My past isn't something I am proud of, no matter my reasonings behind my choices."

Nicky nods. "Ma, I get it. I do. But when I found out today, about your choices and what you have done, nothing clicked inside of me that made me feel any differently about you. I know that you can't understand it, and that's fine but do not push me away. You told me a couple of months ago, that you would do anything I needed you to do so I would stop using and even though I couldn't give you the answer, what you did was enough. Let me do the same for you now, okay? Just let me sit here with you until you are ready."

Red nods, her own eyes filling with tears. "I think I had to have done something right along the way, something I am not sure of right now, to have gotten you for a daughter."

Nicky nods. "Me too, Ma."

Red reaches her hand out and Nicky takes it, Nicky again resting her head on Red's arm. They are once again sitting in silence, before Nicky speaks again. "You know...you told me once that love isn't something we can just turn on and off like a light switch. After today, I know what you mean. I don't feel any different, Red. I never will."

Red responds by kissing the top of her head and resting her cheek against it. "I love you, honey."

Nicky squeezes her hand. "Good. 'Cause the fact I let you get away with calling me 'too stubborn' is a fucking miracle. You're the most stubborn woman I've ever met, and you know you can't argue with me on this Red, so don't even try."

Red chuckles. "I wouldn't dream of it, _malyshka_. I wouldn't dream of it."

 **FIN**

 **AN: I did not reveal Red's crime(s) on purpose in this story because since we do not know the full extent of Red's crimes on the actual show, I didn't want to assume only to have it be the same or different than what actually ends up happening on the show so, feel free to fill in those blanks yourself! If you liked this story, please R &R - and SPECIAL SHOUT OUT to my friend AliceSloane13 who helped me out with the bit of writers block I had on this and of course to my bean, Johanna-002! LOVE YA BOTH! xoxo - E**


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